On The End Of An Era
by scroungyglammer
Photo by David Walman , my blouse from Cheap Opulance.
So my band broke up and I’m having a lot of feelings about it. I’m going to try to make sense of those feelings here.
My band is called AIDS Wolf and we started as a 4 piece noise-rock band in Montreal in 2003. Over the years with line up changes and the growing sophistication of our own tastes we became a trio in 2009 and started calling ourselves either Formalist/Unknown Wave or Abstract Rock.
When my beau and I started the band our expectations were pretty minimal. We’d already been in 2 bands together and each several bands before meeting. Him more of the garage and punk varieties and myself of the noise and industrial ones. We dropped out of university to do a major tour with one of our previous projects , to have one of our band-mates leave the day we got home. We’d already learned that relying on others for one’s creative pursuits was dicey even in the best circumstances. Besides, as Canadians we were geographically challenged on the touring side of things. We told ourselves AW would be a fun hobby and we’d play around locally and that would be that. But it wasn’t that. We started getting more involved and reaching out to American bands we liked to bring them up here and while accompanying them to play gigs across southern Ontario our fate became cemented, we become a touring band. A REAL band. The type of band we looked up to , the type of band we all went to see. It had previously had seemed so out of reach.
In the early part of the 2000’s there was a swell of noise-rock , noise and no wave influenced bands doing it seriously , some of them managing to find actual audiences. From Youtube clips of our early gigs we started getting contacted by labels in 2005 , settling on Lovepump United & Skin Graft Records to co-release our debut album , The Lovvers Lp in January 06.At that point we started touring pretty much non-stop in Europe , the US , even doing a week of gigs in Israel in ’08.
We did our thing pretty modesty, sometimes getting decent crowds in the bigger urban centers, much less elsewhere. After The Lovvers came out music bloggers and journalists more or less collectively decided we were total shit and disingenuous to boot so after a rash of spectacularly awful reviews, we mostly got left alone by media. It didn’t seem to matter too much , we had our context , we had a crew of like-minded bands & musicians who were also interested in sowing a more difficult row.
And because things always change, that did too. In ’09 we stepped back after our guitarist Myles moved to the UK to woodshed as a trio with Alex. New rig , new songs and an goal towards greater abstraction. Alex Ross’s The Rest is Noise had been passed around in the van and as a trio, going towards more a formal and disjointed sound seemed a natural progression.
So we stayed in the jam room for a year and wrote songs complicated enough that the only way to learn them was drilling them over and over for hours. My own lyrics got more abstract as I’d use made up words , vocal imitations of Alex’s electronics and plenty of stream of consciousness & cut up. During this time we wrote and rehearsed the material for Ma vie banale avant-garde.
Then , exactly a year letter we took in on the road and to Dub Narcotic studio in Olympia to record. It was to see that the setting had radically changed in the year we were woodsheding. For one , many of our peer bands had either disbanded , or stopped/seriously slowed down on touring. “I’m in debt and can’t afford the time off work anymore” they’d tell us , or “I want to start a family / go to grad school / get an adult job”. “I can’t face another empty room , it’s futile , pointless , ridiculous , demoralizing”. Same story everywhere and no surprise , we were getting older and so were our friends and what’s marginal at 20-something becomes much more so at 30-something or 40-something. But beyond many of our cohort moving on, there where significant changes in what was deemed “underground” , what could get booked where and under what circumstances. It seemed that as a bunch of 30 somethings in an extended van full of big amps and a loud as hell P.A. had become an anachronism.
All of the sudden bands doing ads for soft drink companies or department stores were considered “underground”. So where did this leave the actual underground, the one that couldn’t sell cars/soda/computers even if if wanted to? Because it was weird/ugly/dangerous/challenging? It left it in a cave.
In many smaller centers, our friends moved to the bigger cities, and we’d arrive in a college town where our previous crew had moved to Chicago/LA/Brooklyn/ect , each night was like starting from scratch.
But being the scrappers that we are , we got home and chalked it all up to bad luck / bad timing and got on mixing MVBAG , feeling chipper and more certain than ever about what we were doing creatively. Then the requirements for US touring visas changed. All of the sudden the price doubled & we needed signed contracts from every promoter 3 months before petitioning for the visa. As one might imagine , getting contracts from DIY promoters 6 months before a gig is as easy as teaching your cats how to play the drums.
So the expenses are going up , the paper work is going wayyy up , the audiences are going way down and most of the bands we liked , if they weren’t packing it in , where seriously scaling back. The whole thing started feeling like more trouble than it was worth but we were so confident in our record that we went ahead despite any lingering doubts. We felt on top of our game , stoked to share our tirelessly worked songs , rehearsed to precision, with our peers. Then the actual tour happened, where by the time we had played to less than 5 people several gigs in a row , being a scroungy jammer seemed less like a fun hobby / challenging art practice and more like an exercise in humiliation. At at least half the gigs, the opening bands would split right after playing, without even acknowledging our presence. In New Orleans, attempts to chat with one of the opening bands got us eye rolls.
Myself , I had been contemplating returning to school for awhile at this point but there would always be a tour on the horizon. While my cohorts in the art scene were doing MFAs and getting gallery representation , I was playing a warehouse in the Midwest , a piss flooded communist squat in the Alps or someone’s living room in Texas.
As the front woman I was also getting pretty sick of the unending stream of misogynistic comments I’d face at our gigs , online or in the rare press coverage we’d get. Even more sick when I was told I should feel *good* about strange men verbally dissecting my body.
As someone who considered music making as part of an artistic practice , I was getting more and more disillusioned with the underground rock circuit. A lot of the time DIY shows was as shitty than the bar shows. Providing the background tunes for a party was not why I was putting this amount of effort/sacrifice into a project.Is a better context for underground experimental music too much to ask for?
Apparently it is.
So now Alex is not living in Montreal , I’m going back to school to finish a BFA started 13 years ago and we are still paying rent on a jam space to store our gear.
The vibrant scene we were part of seems to barely exist and it turns out that no one is actually interested in an hour long record of very formal harsh jams.
So we are playing our last 3 gigs in May. Not because we no longer get along , cause we do , and not because we aren’t happy with the actual music making , because we are. It’s simply not sustainable to be in this type of project for us anymore. 9 years is a long time to invest all of yourself in something that gets next to no feedback. It feels like the death of a loved one and we have to bury the body .
The only reason I even though to announce the breakup and not just do it quietly so our friends who live near by can come up to celebrate/commiserate with us, I posted it on our Facebook page. And then the blogs and magazines got up on it. It’s hard not to feel cynical when publications wouldn’t wouldn’t waste an article or review on us before are reporting on the breakup.
I posted on my twitter feed that I was crying for an end of an era as much as I was mourning the end of my band. But it’s not just that.In a sense it’s the end of myself. I’ve been in bands since I was 17 and I’m now 34. My self image is that of a jammer. A scroungy jammer. If I don’t have a band and don’t play shows am I still a jammer? If not a jammer than where do I fit in?
I’m not sure yet if this is the end of me making music or just the beginning of a long break but if it’s the latter I hope I can come back to it with ideas on how to create a new context for underground experimental music. A context that doesn’t revolve around youth culture or selling drinks (or anything else for that matter) or “entertainment” but one similar that that of performance art or that of musique actuelle.
All that said, I regret nothing. I stand behind everything we put out and despite the difficulties, frustrations and financial hits , it’s been 100% worthwhile. I’m proud of what we’ve done and glad as well as humbled to have gotten to play/work with the people and bands that we have. I don’t know I’d recommend this path to anyone else or if it’s even relevant to younger folks but I’m glad for the experiences because even the terrible ones become funny in time.
In Boston , the last gig of our fall tour.
Exclaim! magazine article on our breakup. The last editorial feature they did on us was in 2006.
*Edited to add that I find getting called “unstructured sonic chaos” to be backhanded in a very major way.
*** Edited again to add that anyone into AW should seriously check out Moskos’ solo jams , Drainolith , he blogs his-non AW musical activities here.
Love reading your writing, and always loved you guys. Gut wrenching to read a lot of it. But I don’t believe its the end . I am in your age group and a woman but I am telling you there is space for us and there is interest . If not now but in the future keep working with music. You have something to say and I know that its pretty much impossible to just quick the thing you love in this way.
Polina Y
(Drop Dead Magazine/Festival//Mutant Transmissions Records)
As a budding experimentalist, this is so sad to hear about your decision to change your life path. I get similar responses to shows I’ve done in Edmonton, and I thought it was the hick mentality that was a debilitating factor. But Montreal, one of the most musically innovative cities in Canada, showing similar disinterest? Now I’m reconsidering everything as well. Good luck in whatever you pursue in the future, and thanks for the ride.
Chloe, I can relate so much to many things written above, especially when you mentioned shows sometimes being an exercise in humiliation and feeling objectified.
It was pretty strange leaving it behind when I felt the music I was making/playing was such a big part of of my identity…
Your band, your music, your art, and your performance style have had a huge impact on me since I was 16 years old. I found a new confidence in myself when my band started playing shows and I have to admit I always admired and envied your vocal style. I even wrote about AIDS Wolf in my senior thesis. Thank you for doing what you do and being who you are.
Sad to see the end. Always been a big fan. Keep on truckin’!
i will always love your band,i am 43 now,doing noise rock since i was 20,even here in germany there was pay to play in certain places in the mid nineties.all the things you wrote are so right,but one thing they can never take from you is the gift of making noise,art,and the older i get the more satisfying it gets,thanx for your great band and words,i was lucky enough to see you guys last year with don vito in nurnberg,although i had to drive for 300 miles,good luck jorg
i for one, would stab mexican drug lords to see you guys play in montreal again some time in the future if at all possible. I too was taken aback by your story and have more respect for your journey and perseverance throughout than i do for flood victims. godspeed yallz
[…] their future creative pursuits. Chloe wrote about the break-up on her style blog, ScroungyGlamour, have a read. This entry was posted in Department Babble, Elsewhere on the interweb. Bookmark the permalink. […]
[…] wraz z ostatnim koncertem odbywającym się w 11 maja w Toronto. O rozpadzie można przeczytać na blogu Chloe Lum. W październiku ukazał się ostatni album Kanadyjczyków zatytułowany Ma vie banale […]
I would like to apologize for New Orleans.
[…] Band, die das Thema der auch im avantgardistischen Underground veränderten Musikszene in ihren lesenswerten Abschiedsworten hier streift, sind AIDS WOLF, die sich leider aber verständlicherweise aufgelöst […]
I only got to see you guys once in Buffalo but it was an amazing show. I’ve always loved how much passion you put into your records and live performances. In an overcrowded genre filled with boring and derivative acts, your stuff has always been genuinely challenging and complex, it’s such a rewarding listen for fans of experimental music.
AIDS Wolf will be missed, but you definitely left your mark and inspired more fans than you might realize.
Don’t think of it as a cave, it could be a tunnel.
Chloe! I’m glad you documented the progression of the band and what made you guys decide it’s now the end of the road. The virtues AW hold dear–autonomy, conditioning, evolution, unvarnished honesty–are again gobbled up by the relentless, cynical cycle of the scene. It’s pretty gross. There’s no spot for you in all of it right now. Ducking out for awhile is a chance to redirect your energy, equalize, and get away from some of the unproductive bullshit you’re up against. At some point things will come around again and I bet you’ll get the feeling it’s time to get back in.
You guys were one of the best live acts I have ever seen. You are one of the few bands out there that made me feel like there were people in the world who could understand me. I also saw the haters and the brutes that would try to bring you guys down. You guys were brave and your legacy will live on. If I become a father in the future, I will play AIDS Wolf for my child and tell them how I once saw this beautiful beast live.
Very glad I got to see you guys here at one of your final shows in Cleveland. It was rather sparsely attended, but I hope that the people in attendance at least gave you a sense that we were thankful you came and played for us. I know I had a blast. Your reasoning for moving on at this point is 100% sound though, and I hope all of you guys kick ass at whatever you do next. Cheers and thanks for the shred.
– Brian
Dear Chloe,
My name is Amanda. I was in a band called The Apes from 1999 to 2008. Now I’m in a band called Heavy Breathing. I have been playing with the same 2 guys for over 20 years.
I understand.
lots of love,
Amanda
Amanda , we never met but I saw you guys play with Liars in Montreal & gave your front man a stack of the posters my boyfriend & I did for the Houston gig.
[…] blogs and music websites is a glamorous life, then look no further than artist Chloe Lum‘s wonderfully written, yet poignant essay, ”On the End of an Era,” for a strong dose of reality. Lum has performed in the […]
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I feel you, Chloe. Boy, do I ever. Still scrounging myself, but staying home these days to do it;}
Remember the magic made, but also remember that there are many ways to make the magic. There always are. You guys know this, though. You’ve got soul.
Take care, and stay good.
Zack (KMT/TB, etc.)
[…] couldn’t be more surprised to see my post On The End Of An Era has gotten over 3000 views , that’s probably more listens than the last AIDS Wolf record […]
I am the ass’t booker at Church and the one who took the video above. As someone who sees a thousand band’s a year it is wonderful to come across one thats challenging, original and interesting all in one package. That show all of the acts could be described in those tones but non more so than yourselves. Rock on whatever ye do!
It was always a thrill to see Aids Wolf at the 7th Street in Minneapolis. I look forward to more Seripop creations. Enjoy academia and everything else you do!
[…] couldn’t be more surprised to see my post On The End Of An Era has gotten over 3000 views , that’s probably more attention than the last AIDS Wolf record […]
Although I previously responded to Chloe’s text surrounding the demise of her band, I still feel compelled to add some additional comments. First, she should be lucky she never performed out west, particularly in Edmonton (although Calgary’s ultra-hip Discord scene would have been a much more receptive audience), which has been notorious for showing little more than disdain for experimentation. Clubs out here have made it clear there’s no room for experimentation and refuse to book myself and my adventurous peers, preferring to play it safe, although admittedly Chloe’s material is far more freewheeling than my work. My perspectives on the local music scene via facebook have been greeted with a great degree of animosity and even verbal sparring to the point where I have deactivated my account. I have to admit that Chloe’s made of much stronger stuff than I and wish I had her gumption to carry on for as long as she and her musical partners did. All the best to you and please feel free to contact me via soundcloud or even this dispatch to update me on your progress.
Hey we actually did play in Western Canada several times.Calgary was always ok but the rest was brutal .
On arriving at our Regina gig w/ Shearing Pinx , people hanging out on the steps of the venue made fun of us all as we walked in. Since there were no local support bands I assumed they were there to see us. Weird times.
It’s strange that on our breakup I keep hearing that we never played places we played many times. I actually just got a bitchy email saying we had never played Austin and now poor dude emailing would never get to see us.
Well we played Austin 7 times not counting SXSW and Edmonton 3. Shows how much people were paying attention.
*sigh*
I can’t believe I missed you guys the three times you were here. Obviously, I’ve been out of the loop; Sorry I never heard about those shows. Remember where you played?
I dunno , the last one was at a shitty bar with Shearing Pinx and Famines and the management had an alarm clock on the stage to make sure we didn’t play too long. There were about 10 people in the audience.
Crap! That was Wunderbar, and I had heard a lot of good things about Shearing Pinx, as Brad the bartender had told me a lot about them and hinted about us being on the bill for that. It all fell apart and I recall having to be out of town that night on a family issue, but I didn’t know you guys were also slated to play. I thought that the show would have done well considering the buildup I heard. I’m shocked there were only 10 people. I guess that explains why Wunderbar, which used to be a big supporter of experimental stuff back then, put the reins on such acts since.
so true words about what underground has become…. i see it every day as gigs and tours promoter i am, and in my position i try to fight against all those things, doing things in the “old fashionated” way, but well …
i booked u in bilbao in getaria in dec. of 2006.
These paragraphs broke my heart.
It’s a harsh world.
I’m not sure if I would call it harsh, but it’s certainly not fair. I would have loved to have seen you guys play at Wunderbar, but I had no idea you were even playing (beating myself up over not being more on top of your tour schedule) and I was probably too young to get in when you were last here. I actually walked by there a week ago and pointed out how shitty of a bar it was to my sister.
I’m a pretty amateur musician currently, but most of my friends are jammers with an interest in challenging music. We really do have one of the worst underground scenes out of all the major Canadian cities, however, morale is still pretty high for us regardless of our small numbers.
It’s sad to see the end of AW but I can empathize with you. I hate to sound like a shitty greeting card, but I hope your future endeavors are unique and fulfilling.
PS: Any tips for an aspiring musicians in a world that seldom pulls punches?
I’m probably the wrong person to ask for tips as every instinct I’ve had for this has been proven wrong. I’d just say get the hell out of Edmonton and collect some degrees.
[…] blog. not gonna lie, i’m a minor former fangirl – she makes incredible art and seeing AIDS Wolf when i was a teenager kinda changed my life. i’ve torn old posters of hers off of sign posts […]
I always felt that being around daring, audacious artists, musicians, dancers, filmmakers and poets gave me a shot of courage that I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere else. To watch somebody go up on stage and take the risk of showing the audience something unusual and rare and not just the same old drivel – gotta admire that.
About being disheartened about the lack of a better context for experimental music, I wanted to share a comment by the composer and performer John Cage, someone who was no stranger to hostile receptions to his work. In 1978, one of his live performances was being continually interrupted by laughter and hoots of ridicule from the audience. Cage at this point in his life had been making and performing head-twisting music to often befuddled audiences for over thirty years. In this case, however, midway into the performance, Cage did something he never did before – he stopped his performance, stood up and confronted the audience, calling out members and asking them why they disrupted the performance. Among the things he said to them, I found this particularly memorable:
“This isn’t the first time people have tried to make me appear as a fool. I went with Merce Cunningham to Columbus, Ohio in the forties. We drove night and day through snow and ice, often slipping off the road, to get to Columbus. We arrived so late that there was no time to sleep. We had to prepare in the theater, and then gave the performance. There was a party afterwards. At the party everyone told us how miserable our work was, and why did we devote our lives to what we were doing? And I thought at the time, why do we go to so much trouble to do these things that people don’t enjoy? Ten years later, I received a letter from a person who had been at that particular program. He thanked me for the performance, and said it had changed his life. Now whether his life changed for the better we don’t know — but at least it gave him some kind of stimulus.”
By stimulus, I believe Cage meant stimulus to change, to grow, to think different thoughts. And exploratory works of art that seem strange and against the grain do provide a stimulus for people to think beyond the boundaries of ordinary, handed down notions of reality. And it looks like your work has done that.
This is truly one of the most beautiful things i have ever read on the net.
You should be absolutely PROUD of EVERYTHING you’ve done.
Luff to you !